and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
