i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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