I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just blew my weed a kiss
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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