I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
