I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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