Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
