If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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