He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
