He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
