I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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