just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just found puke in my bra..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
