It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
