I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
