yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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