we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize