My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
