I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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