I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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