she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
