I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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