If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
