im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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