She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
