I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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