Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
