i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
