I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
