I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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