Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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