T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
