Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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