my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
