even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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