i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
