The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
