Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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