Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
