Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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