The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
