I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
