if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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