a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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