I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
