OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
