is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
honey bunches of taint.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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