twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
