I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize