i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
