Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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