Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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