I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
