the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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