How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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