ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
