shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
