Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
