I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
