did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
