She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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